False Starts, Coming Home and an Anxious Mummy

Our first day saw our first hurdles, it had been a long night, which I spoke about in my previous blog, and it is safe to say we were both completely shattered and I had no clue what I was doing. The midwife came to do some checks on Georgia and found she was a little on the cold side. Feelings of panic came over me and I had a hard time not feeling guilty for letting my little one get below what was ideal. My fears were unfounded though as after some time under a heat lamp thing (yeah I know technical right!) she was well and truly cooked. Those were the first of many checks, she passed each with flying colours but every time someone else came in to check her my anxiety levels rose - Would they find something wrong? What if she didn't pass? If she has to have treatment I've failed her and it must be something I have done. Deep breathing got me through and plenty of cuddles each time she was given the thumbs up. I was so proud of her she was so good the whole time!

The hospital room door was revolving that day and saw Georgia have 5 visitors in the space of 6 hours during visiting hours on top of all the medical professionals she had seen! She was so amazing and settled through it all and everyone commented on what a content baby she was! I was a nervous wreck, the thought of handing her over to people was nerve wrecking for me, that was so unnecessary as they were all family and all completely capable of holding her.

That didn't stop my hormonal, anxious, over tired brain from making me feel like running and hiding away with her though. But we managed it and we both survived! Phew!

We were hoping to go home that afternoon/evening and after the night we had had, we let Georgia sleep... Turns out that's a no no, because Georgia had gone so long between feeds, despite her having done the magic wee and poo they like to see, they wanted us to stay in to make sure Georgia was feeding ok. So we stayed, I wasn't happy about it, I wanted to be with Ross in our home where he could help support me should the anxiety get too much, but I needed to do what was best for Georgia. She had been inspected by so many people for all her checks I was sure she would pretty much sleep and only wake for feeds. Nope, not our daughter, continuing on from how she was in the womb, once everyone had gone and night had drawn in Georgia decided it was time to make her presence known. It also coincided with the time that Ross had to leave us, he was reluctant to go and leave me with a fussy baby on our first real night in the world. He stayed for a little longer after he should have until Georgia had fed and settled. I felt surprisingly calm and just looking at her safe in my arms or her cot, I was adamant he should go home and rest.

We had such a good night, Georgia and I, although she woke up a lot for feeds, we did it all by ourselves and she caught on to latching so well! By the time the morning rolled round I was bursting to tell everyone how well we had done!

The next day, 25/01, we were going home! I assumed it would be a case of being told yep you're good to go and that would be it. I was not prepared for the barrage of information and things I would need to do, every person who came in had a reem of information or questions to ask me and I was not prepared for it! By the time Ross arrived after dealing with the ISOFIX not working back at home I was frazzled and impatient, causing me to be snappy and a little manic. We were packed up and ready to go pretty much straight away. I was elated... until I hit the lift! My god the wave of anxiety just from leaving the ward! Ross as always was amazing and reminded me that we had had a good night with barely any external involvement and that he had done this before. The car ride home didn't help me calm, every moan she made or bump of the car I was checking her breathing or holding onto the car seat, whilst also trying to sit so I wasn't in agony from my stitches! When we got home it was just us for a short while and it gave us chance to get Georgia changed and settled and for me to reacquaint myself with my home. Once we were settled, Mum, Edmund and Auntie Jane came round, to see Georgia, bring food and bring Tilly home. I am ashamed to say it was all a bit much!

I had been convinced that I could never be overwhelmed by my family coming to see us - I was so wrong!

I was not myself it's safe to say and after I think an hour of them being there I was in tears with no idea why and no way of stopping it. I was so tired and there was so much going on I just couldn't cope. Ross was straight there and my amazing family were so amazing and just left. I was so apologetic and still am sorry to this day that I had basically been a hormonal wreck on their first visit! It never seems to help me when people are understanding, I can never let myself off the hook, and I had just cut their time with Georgia short how could I be forgiven for that?

We settled after that. Ross gave Tilly the chance to meet the little wriggly thing that had spoiled her birthday. She was so curious but unsure and kept a close eye on where we were at all times. I meanwhile kept a check on my anxiety and attempted to breath. Tilly can be very excitable and I had visions of her jumping on Georgia and doing damage. Again breathing and working through the fact that my brain was doing 'what if' scenarios that I couldn't control and wasn't helping anyone. Georgia stayed settled and calm the whole time. No one would have believed her Mummy was a nervous wreck just waiting to explode! And that was it. Life as a family had begun, I was ready to be in this little new-born bubble of happiness... How naïve!